5 Things I learned Eating Chocolate Cake

There have been times in my life when I've eaten an entire chocolate cake. Yes, that's a little obsessive, I agree. There have been other times where I've only eaten a few slices. Better, yes? There has never been a time when I could just have a few bites of cake. Never.  Here's what I've learned from my relationship with chocolate cake.

1. Some things are just not good for YOU.
I would often, in my relationship with cake, look around at others who were skinnier and healthier and tell myself that there is nothing wrong with chocolate cake. I would tell myself that if other's could eat it and look and feel great it must be okay for me too. Well, the truth of the matter is that flour+sugar makes me sick. It gives me painful heartburn which I would try to ignore, for hours. I eventually came to the place in my personal growth where I committed to acknowledging that there were certain activities that were just not good for ME. It had nothing to do with ANYONE ELSE. I often hear from alcoholics that they just want to be able to have a drink with friends, socially. The truth is for the alcoholic, alcohol is just not good for them. It makes them sick.

2. It's much more about psychology than ingredients.
The reality is that alcohol or sugar or even possibly wheat is not good for anyone. They all are irritating to the immune system. The truth is also that if we, those of us who over indulge in these substances, developed a healthier psychology around eating cake or drinking alcohol we wouldn't over indulge in them in the first place and we could probably get away with a little bit. The work is in developing that psychology and until that is full proof it's best to refer back to point No. 1.

3. Ignoring your signals of discomfort can be deadly.
I don't have to give you an physiology lesson for you to know that if I was regularly consuming significant quantities of cake that I was leaning into being very, physically, unhealthy. But this is part of a bigger conversation too, about ignoring warning signals not only from our bodies but also from our emotions and our psyche. When you practice ignoring anything it's a bit like giving yourself Leprosy; you start to numb those parts of yourself and that can be very, very dangerous emotionally and physically.

4. Delayed Gratification
I did not enjoy seeing myself in the mirror after eating cake. It felt awful. I felt I looked chunky and flabby and unattractive to myself and my husband. Really not a good feeling. It took me a while to get to the place where I realized that the pleasure in the moment of eating the cake needed to be delayed to the moment, rather, of standing looking at myself in the mirror and appreciating what I saw. And even more than that, delayed to the feeling of pride I could have in myself of knowing that I was finally taking care of myself and the feeling of pride I could feel knowing I was setting a good example for my children. These delayed feelings of gratification are also much more satisfactory and have longevity whereas the cake eating feelings were short lived and followed quickly with terrible bouts of guilt.

5. Self confidence comes from living with integrity
Women often complain to me about their lack of self confidence. Here's what I tell them. There's no miracle cure, there's no one else who can give it to you and there's no magic strategy. To build self confidence you have to live in integrity and do what you know you need to do when you know you need to do it. You have to step up to your life and have a relationship with you that you can rely on and trust. Giving up chocolate cake gave me one more reason to feel confidant.

So, what's your "chocolate cake"? I would love to help you figure it out and help you make the transition to a free, confidant you.

5 Things I Learned Moving Countries

In December 2003 my husband and I and our 3 small children moved from a small coastal city in South Africa to a small-ish coastal city in The United States with 10 suitcases and very little money. This is what I learned:

1. Not everyone who speaks English thinks the same way. I had been warned by returning expats that this was so but for some reason, maybe because I had done some international travel, I didn't think this was going to be a problem for me. I quickly discovered that not only did American's have a distinct, cultural point of view, they even used different words to express it. It was a huge learning curve that I still sometimes find myself navigating and taught me to be careful with words and sensitive to how people might interpret them.

2. Moving countries is much more about shifting identity and much less about a different environment. There have been days when I've felt quite lost, not sure if I'm American or South African or perhaps something vague in the middle. I never even knew, before I moved, how much of what I thought and identified myself with had to do with a country. Now that I'm some sort of hybrid version of the two I see and appreciate both places and have a more multi-layered, flexible sense of self.

3. Much of what we tell ourselves is a fabrication. Over the years I've learned to become pretty suspicious of my own story telling and yet this past summer I again stumbled upon another story I had been telling (to anyone who would listen) about the distinct virtues and value of living in a third world country. I even dragged my entire family back to South Africa in the middle of a sub-saharan, chilly winter to explore the possibility of living there for several months of the year. 6 weeks after landing in Johannesburg International Airport I was literally crying, begging my husband to get me back to Florida. This is not as much a commentary on South Africa as it is the danger of an untrue, overly romanticized, fabricated and emotionally charged inaccurate story.

4. The longer you stay caught up with what you feel "should be", the longer it will take for you to see the value of what is. Coming back from our disastrous trip to South Africa I felt a bit foolish. I had been living in America for 10 years and although I felt, at times, deeply appreciative for many things in the US there had still been, as I explained before, this romantic vision I had of Africa and what I was missing by not being there. When my vision had been cleared up with a solid dose of reality I started to notice how much I had in the US that I hadn't noticed before...things like feeling safe at night, indoor heating and air conditioning, friendly, prompt service and good food and drivers who obey the rules of the road.

5. You don't have to be with the person/in the country that you love in order to love them/it. To leave your country of birth you need to have compelling reasons. You are essentially cutting yourself off from everything you've known and loved up until the point in time that you leave. As much as I know that America is where I want to be now because of all its wonderfulness I still get teary eyed listening to Xhosa singers coral, I still feel my heart ache when I see pictures of my brother, his wife, their children, I still want to be at my best friend's daughters ballet recital. Often clients will tell me of a love relationship that they know is not good for them, that they know they should leave but they also know will bring them heartache when they do. I try to encourage them to make their choice by saying, "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be there with them. You can love them from afar."

Moving countries, as you can probably tell, has been a transforming event in my life. It's brought a lot of opportunity to grow and for that I am deeply appreciative.

If you're looking to transform your life you don't have to move countries. You could rather contact me. I'm a life coach and can help you make an internal shift. It will save you a lot of time and money :)

5 Things I Learned from Byron Katie

Link to Byron Katie's Book I Need Your Love -Is that True

I've read a few of Byron Katie's books. My favorite is "I Need Your Love - Is That True".
Here are 5 things I've learned from Byron Katie in this book.

1. Examine the thoughts you think. I go often write my thoughts down in my journal, especially when they are accompanied by strong emotions, so that I can see them out in front of me and really explore them. It's amazing the junk that I think sometimes!

2. Defense is the first act of war. This one took me quite a while to make peace with but it's proven to be a really solid life lesson. At first I had to just come to terms with how much I defended myself and then slowly, I learned to practice not defending myself. It's still a work in progress.

3. Is that True? It's amazing how this little question really shifted my orientation about my beliefs. Asking yourself, "Is this true?" after making a statement about an emotion, an opinion or even an event is a unique and enlightening way of interacting and processing daily life.

4. How is "making an impression" influencing my behavior? One of the things Byron Katie is very, very good at is asking questions or offering a perspective that deeply examines our motivations and the result of those motivations. When I got some clarity on how my need to influence and impress others was motivating not only social situations but career and financial choices it really freed me up to make choices more aligned with who I am at my core and live a more authentic life.

5. Mind your own business. Under the guise of caring we get involved everyone else's shizzle and drama. It feels good to be needed, it feels good to feel that at least our lives are not as messed up as theirs. It creates a distraction and even feelings of superiority. See the problem?

Reading this book is a really good idea. I recommend it to my clients regularly. It's an even better idea to read the book and work through it with a friend, family member or a Certified Life Coach...like me :)

I would love to work with you so visit my website and see if you would like to work with me too.