5 Things I learned about self care this weekend

I teach and live by the idea that you can't give away (or teach) what you don't already have and this weekend, after a busy week of seeing coaching clients and presenting a Life Purpose by Design workshop, I could feel that self care was needed.

We've all heard the term "self care" but what does it really mean? How do you do it? How don't you do it? Here are some thoughts on what I've learned coaching clients and myself in self care:

1. It's not about buying stuff. I've heard people say to others who are having a bad day or who are feeling neglected, "you should go out and buy yourself something special." This is not self care. Buying stuff doesn't mean you're taking care of yourself it means you're spending money -  and sometimes that can even mean you're harming yourself. Buying yourself something to make yourself feel better only works for about 3 minutes. After that you're back to the feeling you started with.

It may be appropriate to buy something in the process of self care. For example if you've neglected your grooming and you need to purchase a nail polish to do your nails that is appropriate, provided you have the financial means to do so.

2. It's about listening to what you need. People usually become acutely aware of needing self care when they've been disconnected from hearing their own voice about what they need...for whatever reason. The first step in self care is to get quiet and listen  to the inner voice for what you need. It may be a nap. It may be a cup of warm tea. It may be being kind to yourself in your self talk and intentionally interrupting patterns of negative self talk. You may need to pray or meditate. Getting quiet so you can hear what you need is the place to start and then ask yourself, "What do I need to do for myself in this moment to feel better?" (If you hear "alcohol" you're listening to the wrong voice :))

One of my strategies is spending time in nature.
Here I visited my friend's horse farm in Florida.

3. Men and women experience different awareness of their needs. The more stressed a man gets the better he understands his needs and takes care of them. Evidence for this can be seen by the fact that most men have the ability to take a nap, in the middle of the day, on the couch with the kids all running around the house yelling and screaming. Most women can't. In fact, as a rule, women become more and more disconnected from what they need the more stressed they become. That is why it's important to get really quiet, sit down and refer to No 2.

4. It may take a while to feel rejuvenated. If you've gotten to the place where you're exhausted and craving self care you will probably feel depleted and weepy for no particular reason and maybe even physically weak. It's going to take a while to get back to your springy, vibrant self so be patient.

5. Consistency is key - again! Taking care of your needs is about taking responsibility for your emotional and physical health ...and not expecting others to. Having a consistent plan to do so is really smart. If you're like me with a lot of people relying on you, you should make sure to create some consistent times in the day to reconnect with yourself and ensure that you are emotionally and physically balanced and nourished. Exercise, prayer, meditation, connecting with good friends, herbal tea, healthy snacks, getting out of the office for a walk are all strategies that I use to keep myself in balance.

Do you need to learn how to care for yourself. Has this somehow gotten away from you? Are you completely at a loss as to how you might even start?
I can help you. Visit my life coaching website and sign up for a FREE CONSULTATION.

5 Things I learned from Dash the Dog

Dash our sweet, funny and so smart dog

7 Years ago we bought a little Jack Russell cross Dotson puppy. He is a little dog with a big personality. Here are 5 life coaching lessons I've learned from Dash.

1. Your self image is mostly self perception. When we bought Dash we also bought two Huskies. All 3 puppies were about the same size when we got them but of course, the Huskies grew to be much bigger than Dash within just a few months. Dash never noticed though. In fact, to this day, Dash thinks he's a big dog and has no trouble socializing with dogs that are even 8 times the size of him. He even fell head over heels in love with a Pitbull named Lucy.
We become a lot like the people we spend time with because it changes the way we see ourselves. If we hang out with confidant, articulate, self motivated people we will tend towards adopting those characteristics and, like Dash, completely forget that we're "too small" to run with the big dogs.

2. We all enjoy acknowledgment for a job well done. When we bought Dash we were still living in South Africa and the guy at the pet store told us that, for security reasons, we should get 1 little dog and 2 big dogs. The big dogs would scare thieves whereas the little dog would sound the alarm. Dash must have overheard this snippet of information because he's been diligently "sounding the alarm" ever since. It's his work and he takes it very seriously, sometimes a little too much so. It is cute though that after he's done his job he struts around for a bit asking for praise and affection as if he's telling everyone, "I did my job well and now I'd like some acknowledgment."

3. Even animals have unhealthy addictions that they need help with. This doesn't really fit easily into a life lesson but it is fascinating to me that even animals can have unhealthy addictions. Dash is addicted to chocolate.  We hide chocolate from him and when certain holidays come around we become extra vigilant about making sure the chocolate is out of sight. If there is a lesson here maybe it's that if you know and or love someone with an addiction try to do your part around the holidays by not having it a big part of the festivities. It's not your responsibility but it is an act of kindness.

4. Nap and stretch because it feels really good. Dash is a real snuggler. He loves to burrow under his blanket and have a nap, he'll sit on your lap if given even the slightest encouragement and often sneaks under the covers of my bed. When he wakes up from a nap he stretches out, downward facing dog, and gives a little pleasurable moan.

5. Look for reasons to be happy. I imagine that in dog world Dash has it pretty well set up. He gets fed, has lots of good napping spots, a family that adores him, yummy treats, lizards to chase and visitors to alert the family about but I can't help feeling that Dash would be happy anyway. He just seems to find reasons to be happy. I can take him on a 30 second car ride down the driveway, stop the car and he bounds out of it as if I've taken him for a two week fantasy vacation. I can walk out the house, be gone for 5 minutes, come back and he is bouncing around with joy, his little tail wagging so fast I'm afraid he'll knock himself over.

I'm sure most anyone who has a dog could have written this article because they all offer so much love and wisdom just by the nature of being dogs. I would love to hear about what you've learned from your puppy!

To learn more about me and life coaching please visit my website at Nicky Roberts Coaching

5 Things I Learned Moving Countries

In December 2003 my husband and I and our 3 small children moved from a small coastal city in South Africa to a small-ish coastal city in The United States with 10 suitcases and very little money. This is what I learned:

1. Not everyone who speaks English thinks the same way. I had been warned by returning expats that this was so but for some reason, maybe because I had done some international travel, I didn't think this was going to be a problem for me. I quickly discovered that not only did American's have a distinct, cultural point of view, they even used different words to express it. It was a huge learning curve that I still sometimes find myself navigating and taught me to be careful with words and sensitive to how people might interpret them.

2. Moving countries is much more about shifting identity and much less about a different environment. There have been days when I've felt quite lost, not sure if I'm American or South African or perhaps something vague in the middle. I never even knew, before I moved, how much of what I thought and identified myself with had to do with a country. Now that I'm some sort of hybrid version of the two I see and appreciate both places and have a more multi-layered, flexible sense of self.

3. Much of what we tell ourselves is a fabrication. Over the years I've learned to become pretty suspicious of my own story telling and yet this past summer I again stumbled upon another story I had been telling (to anyone who would listen) about the distinct virtues and value of living in a third world country. I even dragged my entire family back to South Africa in the middle of a sub-saharan, chilly winter to explore the possibility of living there for several months of the year. 6 weeks after landing in Johannesburg International Airport I was literally crying, begging my husband to get me back to Florida. This is not as much a commentary on South Africa as it is the danger of an untrue, overly romanticized, fabricated and emotionally charged inaccurate story.

4. The longer you stay caught up with what you feel "should be", the longer it will take for you to see the value of what is. Coming back from our disastrous trip to South Africa I felt a bit foolish. I had been living in America for 10 years and although I felt, at times, deeply appreciative for many things in the US there had still been, as I explained before, this romantic vision I had of Africa and what I was missing by not being there. When my vision had been cleared up with a solid dose of reality I started to notice how much I had in the US that I hadn't noticed before...things like feeling safe at night, indoor heating and air conditioning, friendly, prompt service and good food and drivers who obey the rules of the road.

5. You don't have to be with the person/in the country that you love in order to love them/it. To leave your country of birth you need to have compelling reasons. You are essentially cutting yourself off from everything you've known and loved up until the point in time that you leave. As much as I know that America is where I want to be now because of all its wonderfulness I still get teary eyed listening to Xhosa singers coral, I still feel my heart ache when I see pictures of my brother, his wife, their children, I still want to be at my best friend's daughters ballet recital. Often clients will tell me of a love relationship that they know is not good for them, that they know they should leave but they also know will bring them heartache when they do. I try to encourage them to make their choice by saying, "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be there with them. You can love them from afar."

Moving countries, as you can probably tell, has been a transforming event in my life. It's brought a lot of opportunity to grow and for that I am deeply appreciative.

If you're looking to transform your life you don't have to move countries. You could rather contact me. I'm a life coach and can help you make an internal shift. It will save you a lot of time and money :)

5 Things I learned from my Life Coach

I met my first life coach, Coach Camille, at Date With Destiny. She was insightful, tough and really transformed the way I felt about myself and the way I showed up in life.

Looking back, here are 5 key takeaways that really helped me shift.

1. I am resourceful.
I always had a story about how I couldn't do certain things. How helpless I was. I couldn't make friends, I couldn't solve certain problems, I couldn't loose weight, I couldn't earn more money. All my life most of the people around me would agree and commiserate with me in my complaining. Friends would agree that the economy was in bad shape or that it was difficult to make friends or losing weight just got more difficult the older we got. Coach Camille said, "That's BS! You are very resourceful. I'm confidant you'll figure this out."

2. There are safe problems and quality problems. 
I must have done lot of complaining during those sessions with my coach because here again I was bemoaning something and very quickly Coach Camille stopped me in my tracks and said, "This is not a quality problem. This is a problem that you continue to perpetuate because it feels safer not to solve it."

3. Set yourself up for success. 
For some reason I thought I could go from zero to hero in just a few short leaps and with the result being that I would invariably fall flat on my face demotivated and slightly miserable. My coach quickly pointed out that I needed to take smaller steps and set myself up for success by making them easily achievable.

4. Stop telling stories.
This was an blinding moment of realization. In fact when she first told me that what I was telling her was "just my story" I didn't know how to respond, I was dumfounded. What do I say if I don't tell my stories? (Yes, I was that unconscious.) I soon recovered from this shocking piece of insight and discovered that my life, and I,  didn't need any of the drama and embellishment I lathered on it in an attempt to illicit sympathy and connection and that the result is quite beautiful and authentic when I tell the truth.

5. Measure and celebrate success. 
When I started being coached I was so bad at this part that I even asked my coach what it meant to celebrate a success and could she give me some ideas on how to do it. I even googled How To Celebrate, when she replied, "You are resourceful, you'll figure it out" and wrote a list of ways I could celebrate.
Measuring was also a huge step. I had never paid attention to how I was doing well but always had an excellent accounting of how much I screwed up.

So, looking at your own life, how might these 5 life coaching lessons help you shift and transform your life?

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