My first Thanksgiving

In South Africa we don't have Thanksgiving. I grew up never knowing the delicious combination of stuffing, cranberry sauce, turkey and gravy. I had heard about it, of course, and loved the idea that Americans, those mysterious, magical people that lived across the Atlantic, gave an entire day over to giving thanks. I had watched movie and TV versions of Thanksgiving. Although I had never seen the Norman Rockwell painting of Thanksgiving, that's exactly what I thought it was: an idealized, beatific day of love, thanksgiving and warm family moments.

My first Thanksgiving in the States didn't go quite according to this imaginary version. Here's what I learned:

1. Life happens EVERY day of the year. For some reason I have this notion in my head, always have, that certain days of the year are too special for anything catastrophic to happen. Maybe because I was raised a Christian and the God I believe in would never spoil a special day? I don't know but the fact remains that I am always completely shocked when a crisis happens on a holiday. Imagine my surprise when my host has a heart attack while carving the turkey and making gravy.

2. Denial of a problem can be very dangerous. The bizarre part of this, my first Thanksgiving story, is that apparently my host was in agreement with me about this idea of "bad things can't happen on good days" and refused to acknowledge his heart attack despite turning grey, sweating profusely and having sharp chest pains. Two days later his wife found him, unconscious, on the living room floor. Fortunately he survived both heart attacks and was immediately scheduled for bypass surgery.

3. Living unconsciously will hurt you. You can't live a stressful life, drink too much, smoke and eat junk and expect that you'll still be okay. It's the same with your psychology.

4. There's a compound effect. My host didn't have his heart attack on that day because of his choices that day, that week or even that year. It was the result of years of choices and at the time, each little one didn't seem all that harmful. He could light up a cigarette, smoke it and not die. And for years he had been lighting up cigarettes, smoking them and seeing no ill effect but with smoking as with many ill advised activities, the effect is only seen over time. The same is true of life affirming choices. They too have a compound effect.

5. There is great power in thanks giving and appreciation. There were many things about my first Thanksgiving that didn't fit what I had imagined Thanksgiving would be like. My host having a heart attack not the least of them! But my overwhelming sentiment about the day is one of appreciation. When I think back I remember how thankful I was to be with good friends. How intrigued I was that a holiday food could come straight out from a can. How similar this holiday was to the ones we celebrated in South Africa with it's combination of traditions drawn from history, sports, food and yes, even bickering. My feelings of thankfulness far surpass any memories I have of things that went wrong and although we didn't fit the Norman Rockwell painting version of Thanksgiving, we had a day that I will always remember as a day of being welcomed, and loved and for that I am most thankful.

It is my hope and wish that you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. If you need help getting your life turned around and you've realized that denial is not a good solution for you either call or email me and If I can't help you I'll put you in touch with someone who can.

You can also connect with me on Facebook.

There is great love and appreciation for you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

5 Things I learned from Dash the Dog

Dash our sweet, funny and so smart dog

7 Years ago we bought a little Jack Russell cross Dotson puppy. He is a little dog with a big personality. Here are 5 life coaching lessons I've learned from Dash.

1. Your self image is mostly self perception. When we bought Dash we also bought two Huskies. All 3 puppies were about the same size when we got them but of course, the Huskies grew to be much bigger than Dash within just a few months. Dash never noticed though. In fact, to this day, Dash thinks he's a big dog and has no trouble socializing with dogs that are even 8 times the size of him. He even fell head over heels in love with a Pitbull named Lucy.
We become a lot like the people we spend time with because it changes the way we see ourselves. If we hang out with confidant, articulate, self motivated people we will tend towards adopting those characteristics and, like Dash, completely forget that we're "too small" to run with the big dogs.

2. We all enjoy acknowledgment for a job well done. When we bought Dash we were still living in South Africa and the guy at the pet store told us that, for security reasons, we should get 1 little dog and 2 big dogs. The big dogs would scare thieves whereas the little dog would sound the alarm. Dash must have overheard this snippet of information because he's been diligently "sounding the alarm" ever since. It's his work and he takes it very seriously, sometimes a little too much so. It is cute though that after he's done his job he struts around for a bit asking for praise and affection as if he's telling everyone, "I did my job well and now I'd like some acknowledgment."

3. Even animals have unhealthy addictions that they need help with. This doesn't really fit easily into a life lesson but it is fascinating to me that even animals can have unhealthy addictions. Dash is addicted to chocolate.  We hide chocolate from him and when certain holidays come around we become extra vigilant about making sure the chocolate is out of sight. If there is a lesson here maybe it's that if you know and or love someone with an addiction try to do your part around the holidays by not having it a big part of the festivities. It's not your responsibility but it is an act of kindness.

4. Nap and stretch because it feels really good. Dash is a real snuggler. He loves to burrow under his blanket and have a nap, he'll sit on your lap if given even the slightest encouragement and often sneaks under the covers of my bed. When he wakes up from a nap he stretches out, downward facing dog, and gives a little pleasurable moan.

5. Look for reasons to be happy. I imagine that in dog world Dash has it pretty well set up. He gets fed, has lots of good napping spots, a family that adores him, yummy treats, lizards to chase and visitors to alert the family about but I can't help feeling that Dash would be happy anyway. He just seems to find reasons to be happy. I can take him on a 30 second car ride down the driveway, stop the car and he bounds out of it as if I've taken him for a two week fantasy vacation. I can walk out the house, be gone for 5 minutes, come back and he is bouncing around with joy, his little tail wagging so fast I'm afraid he'll knock himself over.

I'm sure most anyone who has a dog could have written this article because they all offer so much love and wisdom just by the nature of being dogs. I would love to hear about what you've learned from your puppy!

To learn more about me and life coaching please visit my website at Nicky Roberts Coaching

5 Things I Learned Moving Countries

In December 2003 my husband and I and our 3 small children moved from a small coastal city in South Africa to a small-ish coastal city in The United States with 10 suitcases and very little money. This is what I learned:

1. Not everyone who speaks English thinks the same way. I had been warned by returning expats that this was so but for some reason, maybe because I had done some international travel, I didn't think this was going to be a problem for me. I quickly discovered that not only did American's have a distinct, cultural point of view, they even used different words to express it. It was a huge learning curve that I still sometimes find myself navigating and taught me to be careful with words and sensitive to how people might interpret them.

2. Moving countries is much more about shifting identity and much less about a different environment. There have been days when I've felt quite lost, not sure if I'm American or South African or perhaps something vague in the middle. I never even knew, before I moved, how much of what I thought and identified myself with had to do with a country. Now that I'm some sort of hybrid version of the two I see and appreciate both places and have a more multi-layered, flexible sense of self.

3. Much of what we tell ourselves is a fabrication. Over the years I've learned to become pretty suspicious of my own story telling and yet this past summer I again stumbled upon another story I had been telling (to anyone who would listen) about the distinct virtues and value of living in a third world country. I even dragged my entire family back to South Africa in the middle of a sub-saharan, chilly winter to explore the possibility of living there for several months of the year. 6 weeks after landing in Johannesburg International Airport I was literally crying, begging my husband to get me back to Florida. This is not as much a commentary on South Africa as it is the danger of an untrue, overly romanticized, fabricated and emotionally charged inaccurate story.

4. The longer you stay caught up with what you feel "should be", the longer it will take for you to see the value of what is. Coming back from our disastrous trip to South Africa I felt a bit foolish. I had been living in America for 10 years and although I felt, at times, deeply appreciative for many things in the US there had still been, as I explained before, this romantic vision I had of Africa and what I was missing by not being there. When my vision had been cleared up with a solid dose of reality I started to notice how much I had in the US that I hadn't noticed before...things like feeling safe at night, indoor heating and air conditioning, friendly, prompt service and good food and drivers who obey the rules of the road.

5. You don't have to be with the person/in the country that you love in order to love them/it. To leave your country of birth you need to have compelling reasons. You are essentially cutting yourself off from everything you've known and loved up until the point in time that you leave. As much as I know that America is where I want to be now because of all its wonderfulness I still get teary eyed listening to Xhosa singers coral, I still feel my heart ache when I see pictures of my brother, his wife, their children, I still want to be at my best friend's daughters ballet recital. Often clients will tell me of a love relationship that they know is not good for them, that they know they should leave but they also know will bring them heartache when they do. I try to encourage them to make their choice by saying, "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be there with them. You can love them from afar."

Moving countries, as you can probably tell, has been a transforming event in my life. It's brought a lot of opportunity to grow and for that I am deeply appreciative.

If you're looking to transform your life you don't have to move countries. You could rather contact me. I'm a life coach and can help you make an internal shift. It will save you a lot of time and money :)